Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Why I Don't Remember Clerks II

So a friend recently asked me on my thoughts on Clerks II. It triggered a relapse in my brain. I was far too drunk to explain the whole thing to him at the time. So instead, I told him to request the story on a message board (that way, I wouldn't have to reiterate myself). And that he did. I posted it, and I guess I thought it was worthy enough to post on here. So yeah, here you go:


Branden Hafiz (Guts Spill)
Jack Daniels
Shot Glass
30 Pound Mirror
Clogged Toilet With Piss And Shit

Back when Clerks II came on OnDemand, I was curious, but wasn't even a big fan of the first one. I mean, I like it. But that's basically it. So anyway, I order Clerks II, and sitting by my side was an unopened bottle of Jack, a shot glass, and a mini table. My little rule for the night was: Take a shot everytime I thought something was supposed to be funny, so in fact, I would think it was funny. Sure enough, it kinda' worked. So we finally get to the end of the movie, and I really dont even remember what was going on, I had basically downed almost the whole bottle by the end of the film. Now, I know a lot you guys have probably drank a whole bottle of Jack (or any hard liquor) in a night. But this wasn't in the span of a night, it was in a span of 97 minutes. Now this was back when I only drank hard liquor and didn't even touch beer.

The film ends, I have no idea what I just saw, I get up, and THAT'S when it hit me, my functions, well... They weren't existent. I stumble through my kitchen and into the hallway. In my hallway I have this giant 30 pound mirror hanging on the wall. I look at it, lean onto it, the nail holding it up, came loose, and fell parallel with my back. Literally, the only thing keep it from falling over and shattering was my back. So I "gently" lay it on the floor and proceed to the bathroom. My bathroom toilet? Clogged. There's remnants of piss and shit pretty much caked onto the bowl. But when you gotta' puke, you gotta' puke. I puke into the toilet, thus splattering piss, shit and puke all over my face and shirt. Now fecal matter on the face doesn't really sit well with the brain, so of course I puke even more. It was just a cycle that just kept on repeating and repeating.

Once I stop puking, I look over and there is practically my whole family looking at me to see what's going on. I turn around with puke, piss and shit dripping off of my face, and that's all I remember.

And well, eversince that night, I haven't touched more than maybe 5 shots. I dont drink hard liquor anymore, just beer, beer, beer, as you all know. So yeah, that's kinda' it.

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