Top 5 Films of 2010

The year of 2010 was a pretty okay year I guess. Nothing like 2008, but a decent year nonetheless. A few let downs, a few as-good-as-expected-or-better films, and some real surprises. Anyway, here you go...

1. The Expendables

Fuck, do I love The Expendables. As I said before, it's not Rambo, but it's as close as it's going to get, in terms of old school action, I think. And what I love is that the term "The Expendables" is already being used as a description word. I've heard about numerous gather-of-stars, "It's The Expendables of __________". It's just nice to know that Stallone has created a new franchise. Do I hope he spends a little more time on the script the next time around? Yeah, it would help. But The Expendables was pretty much exactly what I wanted! And Im extremely happy it did so well opening weekend. $34 million for an R-rated action film? That's great. Especially given that it had very few "new" star power. Yeah, it had Jason Statham. But Jason Statham doesnt really drive box office sales. He has more of a cult following. To read my Expendables review, click here: THE EXPENDABLES REVIEW

2. Edge of Darkness

As I dont like to do with these retarded "Top" lists, I dont like to reiterate what I have already said in past reviews. So I'll keep it short. Edge of Darkness was fucking great. That's really all you need to know. It was a great slow-burn thriller, sprinkled with some action (which is how it should be). It was great to see Gibson again on the big screen. A lot of people would disagree with me, but fuck 'em. To read my Edge of Darkness review, click here: EDGE OF DARKNESS REVIEW

3. Machete

Here's a film that I never got around to review. But Machete was fucking GREAT. This was one of the surprises of 2010. Back in 2007 when Grindhouse came out, the faux-trailers were the best part of the experience (as most agreed). Machete being the best. So when I heard Robert Rodriguez was doing a full-length film about Machete I cringed as if I witnessed Kirstie Alley at a Golden Corral. But then casting news let out and I suddenly got an unwilling smile on my face. Robert DeNiro AND Steven Seagal in the same movie? Fuck. On top of that... Don Johnson? Cheech Marin? FUCK. It sounded too awesome to pass up. Then the trailer hit, and it looked pretty damn cool.

So fast-forward to September, I watched it, and it was fucking GREAT. First and foremost, it was hilarious. The movie could have easily been just balls-out fun. But it was actually hilarious. There are so many scenes where I lost my shit. For those of you who havent seen it, look out for...

- The blood-thermometer
- Any scene with Steven Seagal
- The electrocuting fence demo
- Don Johnson being awesome
- "Machete don't text."
- Cheech's monitor-cross
- Tom Savini's Assassin promo video
- Any scene with Steven Seagal
- "Death By Low-Rider Truck"
- Robert DeNiro as a wetback
- Robert DeNiro's political campaign
- And whole fuck-load more...

I really thought the Machete full-length was going to be a cake's worth of icing on an enjoyable cupcake. But oddly enough, Rodriguez baked a DELICIOUS cake. With JUST enough icing! He successfully made an enjoyable cupcake into an equally enjoyable cake. Kudos.

4. Solitary Man

I had a feeling the Michael Douglas film of 2010 would make it to my list. But I didnt think it would be this one. It's just a shame Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps was a fart cake of a movie. But enough about Wall Street, I talked enough about it HERE.

Solitary Man was a movie I wasnt really looking forward to, but would watch it if I caught it on TV. I ended up renting it with my girlfriend one night, and I actually really liked it (hence why Im kind of writing about it on a "Top 5" list). Douglas was great in it (as usual). Hell, he was great in Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (for what you saw of him), but the difference is, Solitary Man was an actual GOOD movie. Another great addition to the film, it reunited Douglas with Danny DeVito, which was great to see. I mean, there really isnt too too much to say about the film, except that it was a nice little surprise. Ill probably pick this up on Blu-Ray in a couple weeks and give it a re-watch.

5. Toy Story 3

"The Boy Are Back In Town". The theme song for two films this summer... The Expendables and a very similar film... Toy Story 3. Okay, Im lying, Toy Story 3 had a few more explosions.

Im actually drinking right now, and losing motivation to write about cartoons, so Ill just say that Toy Story 3 was rad. With Despicable Me being RIGHT behind it.

The Un-Seen List:

Here are a few films that I still have not seen, that would probably make my list...

Shutter Island - I watched the beginning with my buddy, but we were drinking and passed out.

The Killer Inside Me - I heard it's misogynist. Why not?

Inception - A Christopher Nolan film about dreams? I dont think Ive been sober enough this year to see it yet.

The Town - I really enjoy heist films.

True Grit - Coen Brothers? Jeff Bridges? You bet your ass Im there... Just not this year. It comes out on Christmas, and Im fairly certain Ill be too busy to catch it. The ironic thing, Im a manager at a movie theatre. The only thing is, we lost the film to the competing theatre. Click here to read the full article...

Tron: Legacy

So just the other night, I watched Tron: Legacy and... It wasnt that good.

Im going to start off by saying that I am not really a Tron fan to begin with. And just because I dont like a movie, doesnt mean I cant appreciate it. Tron really isnt that great of a film, but it does have effects ahead of its time. But the sad thing is that they dont stand the test of time. They're extremely dated and elementary. But like I said, thats not to say they werent ahead of their time... Just not this time.

So Tron: Legacy takes place just about 21 years later. And this is one of the strongest parts of the movie, the beginning. I mean, I really dont feel too strongly about this movie as I would a movie I loved or hated. It was just kind of "eh". The beginning sets up enough story to give a fuck about whats going on. But once they enter the "Tron world" I started to lose interest, oddly. I thought the world was going to be mind-blowing, visually. Except that... It wasnt. Did it look really cool? Yeah, it did. But each scene was kind of more of the same. Dark backgrounds, with bright-light highlights. That's really all the movie was 75% of the time. And just about 20 minutes into this world I started to realize why I liked the beginning 15-20 minutes more. Tron wasn't my kind of thing. Im just not into that kind of setting. I thought, from the trailers, I would visually eat this world up, but that wasnt the case. It just got old after a while.

Another let-down was the 3D. I didnt think it was shitty 3D. Not at all. But I was expecting something a little better. Love it or hate it, Avatar has incredible 3D. The best so far. And Tron: Legacy could have rivaled Avatar, but it didn't unfortunately. Though the 3D wasnt spectacular, the visuals were great. There could have been WAY more designs, but I really do want to point out that the visuals were worth most of the budget.

One thing Im reading in reviews is the lack of story. Hmmm... That's not true. There is enough story to serve a Disney movie, let alone... A TRON movie. In fact, one of the only parts I really really liked about the movie was a scene in the middle. Its a scene with Sam and his father Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges). It was actually really well-done. Had all the right elements, great cinematography, score, and performances. But once that scene ended, I went back to the "eh" shoulder-shrugging slouch.

But what I really did like about the movie, through and through, was the score, oddly enough. And Im not saying that in "Im not big on scores" kind of way, because I am a score fanatic. But with this particular score, it was mostly electronica. And I do NOT like electronica. But Daft Punk did a really good job with the score. There were some really catchy themes. Would I buy the score? Nah. Download it? Yeah. But yeah, thumbs up to Daft Punk.

And lastly, I give thumbs up to Joseph Kosinski, the director. Why I am I am giving thumbs up to the director of a movie in which I didnt really enjoy? Because I really didnt notice anything wrong with his decisions that DIDNT pertain to the Tron world. And like I said, I cant give him thumbs down because of decisions he made with a world I didnt like to begin with. For what it was, it was probably a worthy entry. But given that Im not a Tron fan, I really have no voice. I just want to see how he would do with original material.

All in all, go see it for the Pirates 4 trailer... Oh wait, even that was pretty bland (unfortunately, since I love all 3). Click here to read the full article...

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

"What? Nobody believes in comebacks anymore?" - Gordon Gekko, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Mr. Gekko, I believe in comebacks!.. But when they're good. Unfortunately Gordon, your movie wasn't very good. I really wanted to like Wall Street 2, I really did. I mean, I absolutely love the first Wall Street (Why? Click HERE). But with Wall Street 2, it's biggest problem is that it's a fucking mess. It has potential to be a great sequel, that's for sure. But it just didnt know where to go, and for how long.

The movie started out pretty decent. It gave me nothing to say, "Maybe it'll get better...". No, it was a pretty solid re-introduction to Gordon Gekko and the new characters. But unfortunately, Im not here to talk about what's good about this movie. Because if that were the case, this write-up would be about 3 sentences long.

Now one of the many things wrong with this film, first and foremost, was the story. Now dont think the story wasnt there, because it definitely had enough back-stories and side-stories to create a compelling story. But thats exactly the problem... There were way too many. Fucking way too many. You have Gekko trying to get back in touch with his daughter, Jake (LeBeouf) and Gekko's daughter's story (the majority of the movie unfortunately), Jake and his mentor Zabel (Frank Langella), Jake and his green energy company, Jake and his money-grubbing mother (Susan Sarandon), and literally about 4 or 5 other sub-plots that either go nowhere or nowhere good. It almost seemed like they wrote 4 Wall Street movies and decided to say, "Eh, fuck it. Lets just make it one movie.". But what's even worse than that is that most of the sub-plots revolved around Shia LeBeouf sadly. Ive said it before, and Ill say it again, I dont HATE Shia LeBeouf, but I certainly dont like him. He is what I call as "Studio Golden Boy". Meaning, not a lot of people really like him, but the studios do and they put him in every movie that they know is going to make money, so when the numbers flood in, it looks like its attributed to him. And Ill be honest... I wish I had that little prick's career. That motherfucker has been apart of every franchise that I either worship or love: Indiana Jones, X-Files, Wall Street, Transformers (the first 3 being my nerd dreams). Anyway, back to cunting about Wall Street 2. Yeah, there was way too much LeBeouf I could handle.

The movie should really have been called "Wall Street: Douglas You Never See". I swear, Gordon Gekko has a grand total of 30 minutes screen time. I know he wasnt the main character even in the first Wall Street, but this was absolutely ridiculous. I remember my buddy Phil shouted out 25 minutes in (after they re-introduced Gekko), "Isnt Michael Douglas in this movie?". I immediately thought, "Well dude, its only the first 25 minutes. But then 25 minutes turned into 35, then 35 minutes turned to 45 minutes, you'd see him for about 5 minutes, then he would go away for another 20 minutes. I call bullshit. I mean really, the posters should have credited the actors like so: "Shia LeBeouf, Josh Brolin, with Eli Wallach and a special guest appearance by Michael Douglas". Ugh, fuck things.

And that last thing I want to complain like a child about is the FX and graphics they used. It was pretty ridiculous. There were scenes where you were literally the computer screen they were looking at. You saw the characters from the computer screen's point of view. It was absurd. The first shot (which is in the trailer) looked pretty cool, with all the stock numbers and shit scrolling by. I got it. It was stylish and effective. But then he literally used it for every fucking scene. Either regular computer screens dont exist in Oliver Stone's alternate 2008 and only holograms do, or he just made a really shitty and distracting film making decision. That, and he used these fucking awful elementary-level animated digrams used to describe what Jake's character was investing him time and money in (green energy things and stuff [I kinda forget what they were exactly, due to losing interest]).

There were very few things about Wall Street 2 that I actually enjoyed. Two of which were the cameos by Charlie Sheen and the real estate lady from the first one. But I will give credit where credit is due. Michael Douglas gave another killer performance with some pretty rad lines and phrases (naturally). As did Josh Brolin and Frank Langella. They were all good! But not enough to salvage this film. At times I felt like I was living in a 3-month year old's diaper. It was just so fucking messy.

But this beer is to Michael Douglas getting well. Cancer's a bitch. Click here to read the full article...

The Expendables

Sylvester Stallone. Dolph Lundgren. Mickey Rourke. Jet Li. Jason Statham. Eric Roberts. Bruce Willis. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Kinda' unfathomable.

Since the release of Rocky Balboa and Rambo, Ive been eager to see where Stallone's comeback, or career resurgence would take him. Now Ill be the first one to say it. The Expendables isn't Rocky Balboa or Rambo good. But that's not to say it isn't fucking awesome. And I guess, in a sense, I am being biased. Rocky and Rambo are pre-existing properties. The Expendables is something brand new (which is great). But with Rocky Balboa and Rambo, there was something to compare it to. And the fact that the 6th and 4th installments in a franchise were fucking incredibly good this late in the franchise (and in Stallone's career), you cant help but to praise those films. Where Rocky Balboa was more so an autobiography of Stallone's career, and Rambo was the best action movie in the past 20 years, The Expendables is just a great ensemble cast action film. Plain and simple.

And now to the actual film. Lets start with the story. I knew going in, that the story was basically a basic bare-bones story. Do I think the story was awful? Not at all. For me, it was enough to move the action along. Now, Ive read in the reviews about people cunting about how much of the story (or lack there of) was just fodder for this ensemble cast. And that may be the case, but it's not a terrible story. There are enough plot points to keep it interesting enough. A team of mercenaries are hired to overthrow a South American dictator and an ex-CIA agent. It turns out to be a giant front... And shit blows up. Would I have liked more story? Sure, but I got what I wanted from a fucking STALLONE action film. I would throw in a sarcastic "Stallone's not an Oscar-winning writer" line in there... But he is. But what people dont realize is that Rocky is not an action film... At all. It's a character drama. Hell, even First Blood is more-so a character drama then an action film. But what Im trying to say is, this is a Stallone action film. Youre going to get explosions, blood, more 'splosions, more blood, even more bullets, some more 'splosions, and maybe even a little... Explosions.

Now that the pesky "story" is out of the way, lets get to the juicy stuff. Like EXPLOSIONS. Id like to see Stallone direct his long-delayed Edgar Allen Poe film. You know, to really test out his directing chops. But for now, Im PERFECTLY content with his direction of action, and his sense for structure and pacing. The two things that Rambo and The Expendables have in common, is the structure. He opens the film with a bang, settles it down for a good 15 minutes, kicks some major ass, settles it down for a couple minutes, kicks some more ass, kicks some MAJOR ass, settles it down for a bit, then ends it with a GIANT FUCKING BANG. The last 20 minutes of Rambo and the last 30 minutes of The Expendables are FUCKING INSANE. Rambo's finale being the better, obviously. But The Expendables finale is only a couple notches below Rambo's.

First of all, these really aren't spoilers. Im not telling you who died or who killed who, but you need some setting up. Stallone is obviously the leader, Statham is a the knife expert, Terry Crews is the bomb-rifle guy, Jet Li is pretty much the stealth guy, from what I gathered, and Randy Couture is pretty much there to fight, I guess. But who I really want to get to is Terry Crews. Here is another example of how similar The Expendables is to Rambo. In Rambo, they use a .50 cal machine gun on people. .50 cal machine guns are supposed to be used on tanks, helicopters, etc. But no, Stallone said, "Let's tear 8-inch holes in people, then blow them apart.". The Expendables? Stallone said, "Let's use bombs like theyre bullets. And instead of using bombs to blow up buildings and vehicles, lets use them like bullets on people.". FUCKING AWESOME. There's a scene where Crews uses his bomb-rifle, with about 20 rounds on the enemy. It was absolutely incredible. And to make it even more incredible, it was all continuous. There are definitely a lot of radical action sequences in The Expendables. The opening pirate boat ship shootout, the scene where they blow up a boating dock, a dirt-road shoot out, the whole end battle, and the Jet Li/Dolph Lundgren scene. I really wish I could get into that scene, like bad, but Im not going to give any major spoilers. Fuck.

Moving onto the music. Stallone used Brian Tyler to score The Expendables. And Im pretty certain I know why. And that's because he did a fucking incredible job handling the Rambo score. And when I say incredible, I mean INCREDIBLE. With The Expendables he did an awesome job as well. I had to download the score due to it not being pressed and shipped to certain stores for some reason. But I listened to it before seeing the movie, and I wasn't overly impressed. With me, if you dont have a strong anchor (which is usually the main theme), I get bored. And I wasnt quite sure why he chose the main theme that he did. But then I saw the movie, and I totally got it. It doesnt cut through music like the Indiana Jones theme would, or the Rocky theme would. It has a very subtle horn section, with the string instruments really driving the theme. It works really well. It's got enough of an emotional anchor to actually feel something when you hear the theme. And once the theme came on towards the end battle, I totally got it. The rest of the score is pretty good too. And like I said, if you have a good main theme, or anchor, you can pick from that periodically throughout the rest of the score (which I personally love) and work from there.

Of course the casting of this movie was it's main driving force. But I gotta say, my favorite (aside from Stallone, obviously) casting in The Expendables was Dolph Lundgren. Ive always said that if I could choose one guy to be a giant action star or whatever, it would be Dolph Lundren. I fucking love Dolph Lundgren. And its so weird because he has done very few films Ive actually liked, but theres something about him that is just so fucking badass. Eventhough he's not a very good actor, the way he plays his roles is just fucking awesome. His role in The Expendables was great too. He pretty much played "the crazy guy with a drug problem". When he'd blow someone up, he'd have the biggest smile on his face, while the other guys are just there for business. Fucking love Dolph Lundgren. And speaking of great casting, Mickey Rourke was a perfect cast as well. He was pretty much the emotional anchor for the film. Which makes complete sense. There's a speech he gives that had me tear up a bit.

And now to "The Scene". When it was first announced, everyone went nuts. And I knew the marketing department was going to go crazy with it. And that is the Stallone/Schwarzenegger/Willis scene. Was the scene awesome? Yes. Yes it was. And I knew it was going to be short. But I didnt expect it to be that short. Regardless, it was a fun scene that gave Schwarzenegger's character some backstory. And Im assuming that's going to be used for The Expendables II (which Im pretty certain is already greenlit due to The Expendables already doing really well at the box office). And Bruce Willis was fucking great in the scene. He was quite hilarious. The scene kind of takes you out of the movie a little bit, but it was still a great scene to have in the movie.

And a little recommendation for the movie: Do not see the movie COMPLETELY BOMBED. I made the big mistake of getting smashed before and during the movie. I literally remember only the first half of the movie. Also, you should have a clear theatre presentation (picture and sound). I am a manager at a family-owned theatre, and I still recommend going out to your local AMC, Regal, etc. It's much more clear and it's louder. I mean, it really all depends on where you go obviously. Some theatres are all digital, some still use film, some have DTS, and some have Dolby Digital. But having seen it a second time, slightly buzzed at the Regal, I can honestly say I love the movie. It really is all about presentation. It affects your initial response to the film (or anything, really).

Is The Expendables a let-down? Not for me it isnt. The reviewers arent being too kind to it (in fact, theyre half and half). But when have they been kind to Stallone with something that wasn't Rocky or Rocky Balboa? All in all, The Expendables is a great first entry to a (possible) franchise that can go on to being another classic Stallone franchise. I can only imagine who theyre trying to get for Expendables II. Either way, Kurt Russell better be at the top of that list. At the VERY top. In fact, he should be hovering over that list. Stallone... Make it happen. Click here to read the full article...

The A-Team

The A-Team movie. What to expect... Ultra-cheese? Check. Mediocre/Sub-mediocre script? Check. A radical theme? Check. An abundance of ridiculous situations? Check. The movie has pretty much everything you need to make a good A-Team film. Except for one thing... Good character adaptations. Which is #1. I mean, the characters carried the show. Any true A-Team fan knows that the show really only had 1 or 2, MAYBE 3 original storylines. But the characters are what made it so damn fun to watch. Hannibal always had that devil's smile when a plan was forming in his head. Face always had that doubtful/sarcastic charm. Murdock was just awesomely insane. And B.A. was just mean and black.

Now when casting was done for the film adaptation of The A-Team, I was on the fence. Liam Neeson as Hannibal? I can see it. Bradley Cooper as Face? I could definitely see it (though, I have a dislike for Bradley Cooper), Rampage Jackson as B.A.? Sure, why not. And Sharlto Copley as Murdock? Could have potential. But what I found to be the case after seeing the movie, they casted all of them for physical appearance alone. Because the only characters that were done justice were Murdock and B.A. And with B.A. it's not very hard to cast a mean black man as a mean black man. So really, Murdock was the only character who I actually really really liked. Now whether they casted Copley because of the success of District 9 or not, it really doesn't matter. He did a great job. Copley's Murdock mirrored Dwight Schultz's Murdock pretty closely without looking as if he tried harder than he needed to. His facial expressions were spot on. His line-delivery was spot on. He pretty much worked all around.

Having already covered who DID work, lets get to who didn't work... Hannibal and Face. It pisses me off because I remember before seeing the movie, I was pretty certain that Liam Neeson was going to nail the Hannibal character. But that he did not do, unfortunately. Now I noticed that part of it had to do with script. But I put most of the blame on Neeson. He played Hannibal so stiff. He was far too serious. The Hannibal character was more of a lax Joker, in my eyes. He always had a plan... Even when he didn't. When a plan would go to shit, he would make one up as he went along. He had this devilish charm about him. Liam Neeson's Hannibal was just a raspy-voiced stickler... With FAR too many "plans". And what I mean by that is, the word "plan" would come out of Hannibal's mouth at least 3 or 4 times in every fucking scene. And THAT is what I blame on the script, not Neeson. "It's all apart of the PLAN, kid!", "Ive got a PLAN!", "In every situation is a good PLAN!", "PLAN ahead!". I felt as if Neeson's Hannibal should have done life insurance commercials instead of being a Colonel.

Now on to "Shitty A-Team Character Adaptation #2". Bradley Cooper's Faceman. Or rather I should say Bradley Cooper From The Hangover's Faceman. Okay, I get it, Bradley Cooper can play a good douche bag. But there's one minor problem with casting him as Templeton "Face" Peck... FACE ISN'T A DOUCHE BAG. Yes, he might be conniving, manipulative, and cowardly at times. But he always does so in a gentleman fashion. That's just all apart of The Faceman's charm. Bradley Cooper From The Hangover's Faceman? Just a douche bag. No suave. No wit. No charm. I mean, there's a scene with him shooting from a tank while screaming, "COME ON! GET SOME! WHAT YOU GOT!? WHAT YOU GOT?!". Just shut. Your fucking. Mouth. The only time I recall Bradley Cooper doing anything in the Faceman fashion was when he was trying to get a press pass from a really hot Russian news reporter.

And well, B.A... Rampage Jackson played him black and mean. So I guess that's a plus. Also, I understand this is The A-Team in 2008 or whenever the film takes place. And I understand that you have to adapt the characters in a slightly more modern fashion. But do NOT strip away the character's of their signature traits. For instance, I was fine with B.A. cruising while jamming modern rap music (though, Run DMC would have made it that much cooler). But what I am not okay with is taking a suave gentleman-like character and turning him into a douchebag fratboy. You can go fuck yourself there. All in all I was pleasantly surprised with Murdock and B.A., but majorly disappointed with Hannibal and Face.

And now to the director, Joe Carnahan. I think he did an okay job with this film. The action in this was really fucking stupid, ridiculous, but most importantly... It was fun. And that's what the general consensus seems to be. It's a stupid stupid fun time. Now there were some pretty clever ideas put to film here, but most of it was just ridiculous for the most part. And the CGI in those scenes? Most of it was pretty bad (ESPECIALLY at the end where a bunch of loading containers look like giant falling Legos). But on the other hand, some of the CG wasn't too bad. But there wasn't really any scenes where you couldn't tell what was CG and was was not. A practical effect looked like a practical effect, and a CG effect looked like a CG effect.

The music. I just recently found out that Alan Silvestri scored The A-Team. I love Alan Silvestri, I think he has a lot of talent, BUT... Dude hasn't done anything really good in a long long while! Obviously he'll never ever top his Back to the Future score. It's just humanly impossible. But it doesn't mean he still can't create good music. And that's why I dont know why he hasn't scored anything that was any good as of late. I mean, he didn't do a terrible job with his A-Team score, but it wasn't really that good. The only thing he fucking nailed perfectly was the main theme. You hear the original Mike Post and Peter Carpenter theme at the end of the film, but it sounds almost identical, just bigger. Which I have absolutely no problem with. In fact, I think it sounded really good. But I would have liked to see him add in 1 or 2 newer themes to liven it up with. And if he did, then I didn't notice them.

In the end, it was a cool movie. Nothing great. Just a dumb and ridiculous fun time. I'll probably end up seeing it one more time (this time a little more sober), just to see if I feel any different (for better or for worse). Also, this is a minor spoiler. But for fans of the original series who don't usually stay til the end credits of films, Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz have cameos. Benedict's is pretty cool. But Schultz's is fucking hilarious. Click here to read the full article...

Why I Don't Remember Clerks II

So a friend recently asked me on my thoughts on Clerks II. It triggered a relapse in my brain. I was far too drunk to explain the whole thing to him at the time. So instead, I told him to request the story on a message board (that way, I wouldn't have to reiterate myself). And that he did. I posted it, and I guess I thought it was worthy enough to post on here. So yeah, here you go:

Characters:

Branden Hafiz (Guts Spill)
Jack Daniels
Shot Glass
30 Pound Mirror
Clogged Toilet With Piss And Shit
Mother
Brother
Sister

Back when Clerks II came on OnDemand, I was curious, but wasn't even a big fan of the first one. I mean, I like it. But that's basically it. So anyway, I order Clerks II, and sitting by my side was an unopened bottle of Jack, a shot glass, and a mini table. My little rule for the night was: Take a shot everytime I thought something was supposed to be funny, so in fact, I would think it was funny. Sure enough, it kinda' worked. So we finally get to the end of the movie, and I really dont even remember what was going on, I had basically downed almost the whole bottle by the end of the film. Now, I know a lot you guys have probably drank a whole bottle of Jack (or any hard liquor) in a night. But this wasn't in the span of a night, it was in a span of 97 minutes. Now this was back when I only drank hard liquor and didn't even touch beer.

The film ends, I have no idea what I just saw, I get up, and THAT'S when it hit me, my functions, well... They weren't existent. I stumble through my kitchen and into the hallway. In my hallway I have this giant 30 pound mirror hanging on the wall. I look at it, lean onto it, the nail holding it up, came loose, and fell parallel with my back. Literally, the only thing keep it from falling over and shattering was my back. So I "gently" lay it on the floor and proceed to the bathroom. My bathroom toilet? Clogged. There's remnants of piss and shit pretty much caked onto the bowl. But when you gotta' puke, you gotta' puke. I puke into the toilet, thus splattering piss, shit and puke all over my face and shirt. Now fecal matter on the face doesn't really sit well with the brain, so of course I puke even more. It was just a cycle that just kept on repeating and repeating.

Once I stop puking, I look over and there is practically my whole family looking at me to see what's going on. I turn around with puke, piss and shit dripping off of my face, and that's all I remember.

And well, eversince that night, I haven't touched more than maybe 5 shots. I dont drink hard liquor anymore, just beer, beer, beer, as you all know. So yeah, that's kinda' it.
Click here to read the full article...

Red, White, and Nothing New

We all know of some of the typical film poster trends. You have the floating heads posters, you have the orange/blue contrast posters, and plenty of other cliche (not always bad) posters. But there is one in particular that irritates me to no end. And that is what I call the "Red, White, and Nothing New" posters. You'll typically see this type of poster with comedies. I mean, Im all for minimalist posters. But this is not minimalist. This is just plain shit. The formula for the "Red, White, and Nothing New" poster is: White background + promotional photo + large blocky red text = complete and utterly uninspired shit fucking poster.

Now I know it's almost like beating a dead horse cunting about these posters, but they're not even just used for the shitty comedies. Even some decent comedies get the "Red, White, and Nothing New" treatment. So instead of reading about these pathetic and inexcusable hack-job posters, view 'em all below.






































































Yeah. Click here to read the full article...