The Expendables

Sylvester Stallone. Dolph Lundgren. Mickey Rourke. Jet Li. Jason Statham. Eric Roberts. Bruce Willis. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Kinda' unfathomable.

Since the release of Rocky Balboa and Rambo, Ive been eager to see where Stallone's comeback, or career resurgence would take him. Now Ill be the first one to say it. The Expendables isn't Rocky Balboa or Rambo good. But that's not to say it isn't fucking awesome. And I guess, in a sense, I am being biased. Rocky and Rambo are pre-existing properties. The Expendables is something brand new (which is great). But with Rocky Balboa and Rambo, there was something to compare it to. And the fact that the 6th and 4th installments in a franchise were fucking incredibly good this late in the franchise (and in Stallone's career), you cant help but to praise those films. Where Rocky Balboa was more so an autobiography of Stallone's career, and Rambo was the best action movie in the past 20 years, The Expendables is just a great ensemble cast action film. Plain and simple.

And now to the actual film. Lets start with the story. I knew going in, that the story was basically a basic bare-bones story. Do I think the story was awful? Not at all. For me, it was enough to move the action along. Now, Ive read in the reviews about people cunting about how much of the story (or lack there of) was just fodder for this ensemble cast. And that may be the case, but it's not a terrible story. There are enough plot points to keep it interesting enough. A team of mercenaries are hired to overthrow a South American dictator and an ex-CIA agent. It turns out to be a giant front... And shit blows up. Would I have liked more story? Sure, but I got what I wanted from a fucking STALLONE action film. I would throw in a sarcastic "Stallone's not an Oscar-winning writer" line in there... But he is. But what people dont realize is that Rocky is not an action film... At all. It's a character drama. Hell, even First Blood is more-so a character drama then an action film. But what Im trying to say is, this is a Stallone action film. Youre going to get explosions, blood, more 'splosions, more blood, even more bullets, some more 'splosions, and maybe even a little... Explosions.

Now that the pesky "story" is out of the way, lets get to the juicy stuff. Like EXPLOSIONS. Id like to see Stallone direct his long-delayed Edgar Allen Poe film. You know, to really test out his directing chops. But for now, Im PERFECTLY content with his direction of action, and his sense for structure and pacing. The two things that Rambo and The Expendables have in common, is the structure. He opens the film with a bang, settles it down for a good 15 minutes, kicks some major ass, settles it down for a couple minutes, kicks some more ass, kicks some MAJOR ass, settles it down for a bit, then ends it with a GIANT FUCKING BANG. The last 20 minutes of Rambo and the last 30 minutes of The Expendables are FUCKING INSANE. Rambo's finale being the better, obviously. But The Expendables finale is only a couple notches below Rambo's.

First of all, these really aren't spoilers. Im not telling you who died or who killed who, but you need some setting up. Stallone is obviously the leader, Statham is a the knife expert, Terry Crews is the bomb-rifle guy, Jet Li is pretty much the stealth guy, from what I gathered, and Randy Couture is pretty much there to fight, I guess. But who I really want to get to is Terry Crews. Here is another example of how similar The Expendables is to Rambo. In Rambo, they use a .50 cal machine gun on people. .50 cal machine guns are supposed to be used on tanks, helicopters, etc. But no, Stallone said, "Let's tear 8-inch holes in people, then blow them apart.". The Expendables? Stallone said, "Let's use bombs like theyre bullets. And instead of using bombs to blow up buildings and vehicles, lets use them like bullets on people.". FUCKING AWESOME. There's a scene where Crews uses his bomb-rifle, with about 20 rounds on the enemy. It was absolutely incredible. And to make it even more incredible, it was all continuous. There are definitely a lot of radical action sequences in The Expendables. The opening pirate boat ship shootout, the scene where they blow up a boating dock, a dirt-road shoot out, the whole end battle, and the Jet Li/Dolph Lundgren scene. I really wish I could get into that scene, like bad, but Im not going to give any major spoilers. Fuck.

Moving onto the music. Stallone used Brian Tyler to score The Expendables. And Im pretty certain I know why. And that's because he did a fucking incredible job handling the Rambo score. And when I say incredible, I mean INCREDIBLE. With The Expendables he did an awesome job as well. I had to download the score due to it not being pressed and shipped to certain stores for some reason. But I listened to it before seeing the movie, and I wasn't overly impressed. With me, if you dont have a strong anchor (which is usually the main theme), I get bored. And I wasnt quite sure why he chose the main theme that he did. But then I saw the movie, and I totally got it. It doesnt cut through music like the Indiana Jones theme would, or the Rocky theme would. It has a very subtle horn section, with the string instruments really driving the theme. It works really well. It's got enough of an emotional anchor to actually feel something when you hear the theme. And once the theme came on towards the end battle, I totally got it. The rest of the score is pretty good too. And like I said, if you have a good main theme, or anchor, you can pick from that periodically throughout the rest of the score (which I personally love) and work from there.

Of course the casting of this movie was it's main driving force. But I gotta say, my favorite (aside from Stallone, obviously) casting in The Expendables was Dolph Lundgren. Ive always said that if I could choose one guy to be a giant action star or whatever, it would be Dolph Lundren. I fucking love Dolph Lundgren. And its so weird because he has done very few films Ive actually liked, but theres something about him that is just so fucking badass. Eventhough he's not a very good actor, the way he plays his roles is just fucking awesome. His role in The Expendables was great too. He pretty much played "the crazy guy with a drug problem". When he'd blow someone up, he'd have the biggest smile on his face, while the other guys are just there for business. Fucking love Dolph Lundgren. And speaking of great casting, Mickey Rourke was a perfect cast as well. He was pretty much the emotional anchor for the film. Which makes complete sense. There's a speech he gives that had me tear up a bit.

And now to "The Scene". When it was first announced, everyone went nuts. And I knew the marketing department was going to go crazy with it. And that is the Stallone/Schwarzenegger/Willis scene. Was the scene awesome? Yes. Yes it was. And I knew it was going to be short. But I didnt expect it to be that short. Regardless, it was a fun scene that gave Schwarzenegger's character some backstory. And Im assuming that's going to be used for The Expendables II (which Im pretty certain is already greenlit due to The Expendables already doing really well at the box office). And Bruce Willis was fucking great in the scene. He was quite hilarious. The scene kind of takes you out of the movie a little bit, but it was still a great scene to have in the movie.

And a little recommendation for the movie: Do not see the movie COMPLETELY BOMBED. I made the big mistake of getting smashed before and during the movie. I literally remember only the first half of the movie. Also, you should have a clear theatre presentation (picture and sound). I am a manager at a family-owned theatre, and I still recommend going out to your local AMC, Regal, etc. It's much more clear and it's louder. I mean, it really all depends on where you go obviously. Some theatres are all digital, some still use film, some have DTS, and some have Dolby Digital. But having seen it a second time, slightly buzzed at the Regal, I can honestly say I love the movie. It really is all about presentation. It affects your initial response to the film (or anything, really).

Is The Expendables a let-down? Not for me it isnt. The reviewers arent being too kind to it (in fact, theyre half and half). But when have they been kind to Stallone with something that wasn't Rocky or Rocky Balboa? All in all, The Expendables is a great first entry to a (possible) franchise that can go on to being another classic Stallone franchise. I can only imagine who theyre trying to get for Expendables II. Either way, Kurt Russell better be at the top of that list. At the VERY top. In fact, he should be hovering over that list. Stallone... Make it happen. Click here to read the full article...

The A-Team

The A-Team movie. What to expect... Ultra-cheese? Check. Mediocre/Sub-mediocre script? Check. A radical theme? Check. An abundance of ridiculous situations? Check. The movie has pretty much everything you need to make a good A-Team film. Except for one thing... Good character adaptations. Which is #1. I mean, the characters carried the show. Any true A-Team fan knows that the show really only had 1 or 2, MAYBE 3 original storylines. But the characters are what made it so damn fun to watch. Hannibal always had that devil's smile when a plan was forming in his head. Face always had that doubtful/sarcastic charm. Murdock was just awesomely insane. And B.A. was just mean and black.

Now when casting was done for the film adaptation of The A-Team, I was on the fence. Liam Neeson as Hannibal? I can see it. Bradley Cooper as Face? I could definitely see it (though, I have a dislike for Bradley Cooper), Rampage Jackson as B.A.? Sure, why not. And Sharlto Copley as Murdock? Could have potential. But what I found to be the case after seeing the movie, they casted all of them for physical appearance alone. Because the only characters that were done justice were Murdock and B.A. And with B.A. it's not very hard to cast a mean black man as a mean black man. So really, Murdock was the only character who I actually really really liked. Now whether they casted Copley because of the success of District 9 or not, it really doesn't matter. He did a great job. Copley's Murdock mirrored Dwight Schultz's Murdock pretty closely without looking as if he tried harder than he needed to. His facial expressions were spot on. His line-delivery was spot on. He pretty much worked all around.

Having already covered who DID work, lets get to who didn't work... Hannibal and Face. It pisses me off because I remember before seeing the movie, I was pretty certain that Liam Neeson was going to nail the Hannibal character. But that he did not do, unfortunately. Now I noticed that part of it had to do with script. But I put most of the blame on Neeson. He played Hannibal so stiff. He was far too serious. The Hannibal character was more of a lax Joker, in my eyes. He always had a plan... Even when he didn't. When a plan would go to shit, he would make one up as he went along. He had this devilish charm about him. Liam Neeson's Hannibal was just a raspy-voiced stickler... With FAR too many "plans". And what I mean by that is, the word "plan" would come out of Hannibal's mouth at least 3 or 4 times in every fucking scene. And THAT is what I blame on the script, not Neeson. "It's all apart of the PLAN, kid!", "Ive got a PLAN!", "In every situation is a good PLAN!", "PLAN ahead!". I felt as if Neeson's Hannibal should have done life insurance commercials instead of being a Colonel.

Now on to "Shitty A-Team Character Adaptation #2". Bradley Cooper's Faceman. Or rather I should say Bradley Cooper From The Hangover's Faceman. Okay, I get it, Bradley Cooper can play a good douche bag. But there's one minor problem with casting him as Templeton "Face" Peck... FACE ISN'T A DOUCHE BAG. Yes, he might be conniving, manipulative, and cowardly at times. But he always does so in a gentleman fashion. That's just all apart of The Faceman's charm. Bradley Cooper From The Hangover's Faceman? Just a douche bag. No suave. No wit. No charm. I mean, there's a scene with him shooting from a tank while screaming, "COME ON! GET SOME! WHAT YOU GOT!? WHAT YOU GOT?!". Just shut. Your fucking. Mouth. The only time I recall Bradley Cooper doing anything in the Faceman fashion was when he was trying to get a press pass from a really hot Russian news reporter.

And well, B.A... Rampage Jackson played him black and mean. So I guess that's a plus. Also, I understand this is The A-Team in 2008 or whenever the film takes place. And I understand that you have to adapt the characters in a slightly more modern fashion. But do NOT strip away the character's of their signature traits. For instance, I was fine with B.A. cruising while jamming modern rap music (though, Run DMC would have made it that much cooler). But what I am not okay with is taking a suave gentleman-like character and turning him into a douchebag fratboy. You can go fuck yourself there. All in all I was pleasantly surprised with Murdock and B.A., but majorly disappointed with Hannibal and Face.

And now to the director, Joe Carnahan. I think he did an okay job with this film. The action in this was really fucking stupid, ridiculous, but most importantly... It was fun. And that's what the general consensus seems to be. It's a stupid stupid fun time. Now there were some pretty clever ideas put to film here, but most of it was just ridiculous for the most part. And the CGI in those scenes? Most of it was pretty bad (ESPECIALLY at the end where a bunch of loading containers look like giant falling Legos). But on the other hand, some of the CG wasn't too bad. But there wasn't really any scenes where you couldn't tell what was CG and was was not. A practical effect looked like a practical effect, and a CG effect looked like a CG effect.

The music. I just recently found out that Alan Silvestri scored The A-Team. I love Alan Silvestri, I think he has a lot of talent, BUT... Dude hasn't done anything really good in a long long while! Obviously he'll never ever top his Back to the Future score. It's just humanly impossible. But it doesn't mean he still can't create good music. And that's why I dont know why he hasn't scored anything that was any good as of late. I mean, he didn't do a terrible job with his A-Team score, but it wasn't really that good. The only thing he fucking nailed perfectly was the main theme. You hear the original Mike Post and Peter Carpenter theme at the end of the film, but it sounds almost identical, just bigger. Which I have absolutely no problem with. In fact, I think it sounded really good. But I would have liked to see him add in 1 or 2 newer themes to liven it up with. And if he did, then I didn't notice them.

In the end, it was a cool movie. Nothing great. Just a dumb and ridiculous fun time. I'll probably end up seeing it one more time (this time a little more sober), just to see if I feel any different (for better or for worse). Also, this is a minor spoiler. But for fans of the original series who don't usually stay til the end credits of films, Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz have cameos. Benedict's is pretty cool. But Schultz's is fucking hilarious. Click here to read the full article...

Why I Don't Remember Clerks II

So a friend recently asked me on my thoughts on Clerks II. It triggered a relapse in my brain. I was far too drunk to explain the whole thing to him at the time. So instead, I told him to request the story on a message board (that way, I wouldn't have to reiterate myself). And that he did. I posted it, and I guess I thought it was worthy enough to post on here. So yeah, here you go:

Characters:

Branden Hafiz (Guts Spill)
Jack Daniels
Shot Glass
30 Pound Mirror
Clogged Toilet With Piss And Shit
Mother
Brother
Sister

Back when Clerks II came on OnDemand, I was curious, but wasn't even a big fan of the first one. I mean, I like it. But that's basically it. So anyway, I order Clerks II, and sitting by my side was an unopened bottle of Jack, a shot glass, and a mini table. My little rule for the night was: Take a shot everytime I thought something was supposed to be funny, so in fact, I would think it was funny. Sure enough, it kinda' worked. So we finally get to the end of the movie, and I really dont even remember what was going on, I had basically downed almost the whole bottle by the end of the film. Now, I know a lot you guys have probably drank a whole bottle of Jack (or any hard liquor) in a night. But this wasn't in the span of a night, it was in a span of 97 minutes. Now this was back when I only drank hard liquor and didn't even touch beer.

The film ends, I have no idea what I just saw, I get up, and THAT'S when it hit me, my functions, well... They weren't existent. I stumble through my kitchen and into the hallway. In my hallway I have this giant 30 pound mirror hanging on the wall. I look at it, lean onto it, the nail holding it up, came loose, and fell parallel with my back. Literally, the only thing keep it from falling over and shattering was my back. So I "gently" lay it on the floor and proceed to the bathroom. My bathroom toilet? Clogged. There's remnants of piss and shit pretty much caked onto the bowl. But when you gotta' puke, you gotta' puke. I puke into the toilet, thus splattering piss, shit and puke all over my face and shirt. Now fecal matter on the face doesn't really sit well with the brain, so of course I puke even more. It was just a cycle that just kept on repeating and repeating.

Once I stop puking, I look over and there is practically my whole family looking at me to see what's going on. I turn around with puke, piss and shit dripping off of my face, and that's all I remember.

And well, eversince that night, I haven't touched more than maybe 5 shots. I dont drink hard liquor anymore, just beer, beer, beer, as you all know. So yeah, that's kinda' it.
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Red, White, and Nothing New

We all know of some of the typical film poster trends. You have the floating heads posters, you have the orange/blue contrast posters, and plenty of other cliche (not always bad) posters. But there is one in particular that irritates me to no end. And that is what I call the "Red, White, and Nothing New" posters. You'll typically see this type of poster with comedies. I mean, Im all for minimalist posters. But this is not minimalist. This is just plain shit. The formula for the "Red, White, and Nothing New" poster is: White background + promotional photo + large blocky red text = complete and utterly uninspired shit fucking poster.

Now I know it's almost like beating a dead horse cunting about these posters, but they're not even just used for the shitty comedies. Even some decent comedies get the "Red, White, and Nothing New" treatment. So instead of reading about these pathetic and inexcusable hack-job posters, view 'em all below.






































































Yeah. Click here to read the full article...