Monday, December 21, 2009

Who Watches The Watchmen? Not me.

Since the deletion on my Myspace months back, Ive had the biggest urge (even more so than before) to post my senseless rants, but I couldn't. So I decided to create another Myspace. Not just for the sole fact that I want to post again. But because well... I cant creep on people's private Myspaces anymore!

Anyway, I've been asked quite a bit about Watchmen from plenty of friends, and instead of giving the same rant over and over (as I've been doing), I figured Id post it in blog form. That way, it keeps me from breaking a blood-vessel over me focusing all my body-energy into hating the tits out of Zack Snyder.

The Watchmen. Im not really sure where to even start. Well, I guess Ill start off with 300. I remember hearing all about 300 right before it came out, and then it came out and expected an uproar of negative-as-fuck reviews. Sadly, people loved it. That movie proved to me that Zack Snyder makes my top-five worst hack film makers of all-time. First he does the Dawn of the Dead remake, which was just ass. Plain and simple. Then he does 300 which was one of thee most pseudo-epic films I have seen to date.

I never planned on seeing the film. But one day it was on HBOHD, and I watched it. Jesus Christ. The movie was a helluva lot worse than I had predicted. The whole movie CLEARLY looked like it was filmed on the same 20x40 foot greenscreen set. It's one thing to know exactly how you want your film to look. But it's another to actually have atmosphere. All 300 is, is a gold sky, digital maroon blood, and... Well, basically just a bunch of diarrhea. I've concluded that the film is only 15 minutes long. The whole movie is in fucking slow-motion. I dont think that cunt Zack Snyder understands that the more slow-motion you use, doesn't make it more epic. It makes it even less tolerable. And the pseudo-epic narration does NOT help at all. It's pathetic. The warrior goes to grab some fruit... SLOW-MOTION and NARRATION! The warrior goes to lay in his bed... SLOW-MOTION and NARRATION!

And people always suck the movie's cock over how bloody it was. It was bloody? All I saw were these random digital maroon blots fly across the screen. Really, from the guy who did the Dawn of the Dead re-make, in which it's only plus was that they used all on-set blood, to 300 and using all digital blood? Get the fuck outta' here. So moving on...

The Watchmen, from what I have gathered, is no different. I have not seen The Watchmen, and I will not see it. I remember before the first trailer was released, I knew it was going to suck, and people weren't going to like it. When they released the first trailer, I was amazed. Amazed that it was so good? No. I was amazed at how incredibly shitty the movie looked, and how good of a response it got from people. I had to watch it again to make sure I was watching the same trailer as everyone else. I guess no one else saw that it looked like Mystery Men with a bigger budget. Anyway, fast-forward to March 6th when they released like 19 clips online, I watch a decent amount of them, and man... Was it 300 all over again. I mean, it was worse than I thought.

First of all, the music was GOD AWFUL. I felt as if I had been watching the clips on silent at a rave party in San Francisco. I don't know what the hell Zack Snyder was smoking when he got Tyler Bates onboard to score this celluloid-diarrhea picture, but... Well, I guess awful artists think alike. So it actually makes perfect sense. And of course the slow-mo had to be in effect for the action scenes. And I bet my balls that the near-3-hour Watchmen film would only be just-under 2 hours if Hack Snyder would have taken out all the slow-mo. And the rest of the scenes were just as fucking awful. The scoring, the level of corniness, the acting. But then again, complaining about the acting is like complaining about finding a hair in a shit-sandwich.

All in all, this movie looks AWFUL. Ill probably end of seeing it on HBO randomly, and realize that the movie is worse than I thought. But it's alright, when this movie drops more than 50% of it's box office next weekend because of bad word-of-mouth, Ill be more than happy. I love to see movies I love do well, and movies I hate fail. Yeah, it did well opening weekend, but not spectacular. Honestly, Id be surprised if it broke even.

And to the people who thought and still think this movie was "filmable", just because you can do something, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

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